knowing, believing

Sitting in silence in front of the altar, with Amma, Hanuman and Krishna Das playing opened the inner reaches of my soul. this is what i want to do with my time. devotionally offer myself as a gift, be thankful, give, practice putting myself in situations that call for me to give myself, selflessly, without toting my ego around. practice. compassion, for myself. I am feeling rahu in the fourth. developing security through myself.


Amma made funny with me tonight when I said I wanted to start saying her names at 9, and I turned around after a lot of time had passed wondering of the time and it was exactly 9:00 PM. I looked at her and smiled, knowing it is her grace by which truth and perfection happens. I started to cry then because I saw how I don't believe. I know, but I don't belive. I know I am God, but I don't belive I am. I know that life is always happening the way it is supposed to but don't believe. I know that I am living out the karma that I manifested, but I don't believe. My MIND wants to believe. My consciousness knows.
She smiles that childlike grin .

[...]submerse myself entirely into Amma, into Swami Sivananda. I feel so provided for by both of them. they are the same.