peace

This weekend I went on retreat with my group in the teachers training at IYI. We were at a place called Commonweal in Bolinas. Though I didnt get out of the house we stayed in much, the grounds were sacred and pure. Overlooking the water, this cliff merged with the ocean's tide below. Singing to Shiva overlooking the vast expanse of water and Mother my heart fell open so wide.
We had an intention ceremony Friday night where we all burned something we were giving up and then we chose a rock symbolizing what we were inviting into our lives.

I burned "needing external approval" and I chose this gorgeous malachite rock (without looking, of course) symbolizing receiving peace into my life. It was so perfect and simple that peace rose up in me when we meditated on this question of what we wanted to invite in. My first thought was "peace?" that's easy, everyone wants peace and there must be a better more specific thing I can come up with. But i kept peace.

it has been a real theme for me lately. mostly recognizing the things that disturb that peace. there was this moment when all the others were in the dining room sittign together laughing away at various things. i was sitting in the living room by myself. i felt peaceful. my mind thought "you should be in there with all the people, together with your firends." and then i checked in and saw that i was perfectly peaceful where i was, no need to move. so the thoughts about I should move, or should be doing something other than what I was just left. Earlier that day there was a lot of laughing and talking in the circle where we were discussing kriyas. The night before we had gone to bed and eaten dinner in silence. I was still feeling that deep peace within and didn't want to justlaugh because others were. it was pretty clear that I was the only one feeling quiet and introspective, a few people commented to me later that they noticed this.
coming back from the weekend, last night and this morning I felt grounded, content and peaceful within and without. i did not have caffeine for the fourth day in a row.

so i am seeing how to create more peace. I am seeing how to sustain the peace that I work towards. if peace is the ultimate goal, peace within, then when my mind wants to wage a war with others or with myself it is best that I don't let my mind take over and run the show.

Last night I caved in and did one of the things that I knew would take me away from feeling so grounded and peaceful. I made a vow to myself and I broke it. and it was really simple, the peace was disrupted. again, this morning, i did something that gave my mind control over being rested in peace.

it is not easy. but i see how Sri Ptanjali says "the seer abides in a place of peace" when the "restraint of the mental modifications" are practiced. so i know the things that cause my unrest, the vrrtis, the mental modifications. caffeine was one, and i am practising going without. Oh, and I have so many other things that I am evaluating, lookiing at in my life. do they add to my peace, or do they detract.

because from that peace, everything else follows. it ends the cycle of feeling like I need to create something other than what is happening in any moment. ends the suffering of feeling like i could have done or said something else. with peace, comes everything else, but I am not sure everything else matters, once established in a place of peace.