TT and receiving

Last night began my first session of yoga teacher training at IYI. There are 14 of us in the class, 11 women and 3 men. Everyone pretty much got there early..We did introductions. I was self-conscious and said so, also that one of my intentions was to feel more comfort in being seen and loved in a big group like that, Grace and receptivity through humilty. This woman K sat to my right and she is like this sparkly burst of carbonated water..she has a lot of energy and spoke in a very jumbled, loving way. She is the kind of person I believe people feel comfortable around immediately because she is just right there in front with her silliness, kind of like a 12 year old, but in a very endearing way. I sometimes wonder if people that seem like they are 12, but are really 25 or 30 retain that kind of bubble into their thirties and forties and later.
We received a lot of material to cover in the next 13 weeks. Everyone had an eager, anxious, committed way about them. I am excited to make friends with this community. in fact, that has been a big part of my wanting to do this training that i hadn't realized until recently, establishing some nice connections with people, women in particular, that are on a spiritual path--that i could share my feminine experience with now and into the future. I realyl hope we bond as a community and partners and friends and teachers. There is a pregnant woman, a woman with asthma, an older woman, a guy to whom all of this yoga stuff is very new, a girl that reminds me of my old housemate Nora, a couple school teachers. there are quite a few people for whom English is their second language. One woman is hoping that she can learn to teach this style of yoga in Spanish during our training.

So now begins my real sadhana. We interviewed a potential housemate last night and every part of me wanted to cut away early and my continual bringing the conversation back to the essentials so we could finish up and L and I could go to bed. I was very aware of how selfish I am. yes, part of it is taking care of myself, asking for what I need, and part of it is this way in which I control situations and my environment to get what I want..in subtle ways and not so subtle ways as well. this brings me to my current growth situation.

It's hard to capture it in a word, but the first word that keeps coming to me is surrender. but not how i have understood surrender in the past. It's the dance of projection and receptivity, masculine and feminine, receiving and not giving, opening in a way that invites rather than projects. I have been realizing this a lot lately, but really saw it when i was sharing with somebody about the walk I took on Saturday through San Francisco down by the water. I could feel so much love flowing out of me, i felt open, and alive and free from constraint. the difference and what this person asked me is - yes, but were you also able to receive the gifts that were being offered. hmm. i had to think about that and that has opened up even deeper how much energy i have, how 'easy' it is for me to give love, and it is much more difficult for me to receive love - especially if I have to try too hard. it's a lot easier to receive someone saying I love you, or you are this or you are that, or giving me a tangible gift..my practice is in feeling deeper, into the deeper gifts that are being offered and receive those. i can receive Siva when i am alone or in my own space in some way very quickly and with little effort, but how do I relax enough to recieve Siva through SadaSiva..and other's gifts of Siva. it is all Siva, and yet I struggle to receive it ALL as Siva.
I am very aware of how much energy I have and how much it wants to come out of me. How can I channel and house all the energy in my body. a lot of it is tension and anxiety, but there are a lot of other sensations swirling about. hatha helps, singing helps. probably bhakti is the best expression of it as far as releasing goes. hatha helps me move energy around my body and light me up, feel grounded in my body. sometimes i think taking on a martial art wouldnt be a bad idea to allow the aggressive/destructive energy a place to release--because that is definitely there too and i want to use it constructively.
but even so, even though i feel such a need to release energy, like a volcano--that Kali raging death energy--my bigger practice is to receive. but maybe it is harder to receive when I feel so full of so much other stuff. i wish i felt free when I painted, or would dance more. i feel overwhelmed when i consider taking on more commitments than the ones I currently have, sacrificing quality for quantity. I also believe that by putting this in my consciousness I can get some practice and clarity around it.
Bhavani said to us last night that she has not witnessed a single person going through this teacher training that has not radically transformed in some way. I hope to transform that part of me that feels I need to maintain control and is anxious and transmute it into deep feminine longing, relaxed and tension-free