surrendering to uncertainty and certainty

this photo captures how i have been feeling lately. black and white. simple. quiet. rested. becoming a renunciate. a saddhu. being one with the lord. i think about Amma and what she is doing, and wanting to be with her. where will she take me. on what turns. Swami Paramanatmananda reminded us that eveything the guru does has intention behind it. no look, or turn of the head is for nothing. it does still make me wonder why she gave me and that person darshan together. it so much felt like a dream, and still does. and the fact that he hardly acknowledged it made it seem even more so like i was making it up. i do sometimes confuse the two. i have mistaken a dream to be reality and vice-versa. but the act of the guru probably contains the power not the interpretation of the disciple. who knows what she is doing, what kind of subtle energies she is directing and to what end. i think this is surrender. to the uncertainty of it all. but then there is certainty too. the certainty that if I continue to surrender life will unfold dynamically and appropriately and by way of truth, without the needed intellectual understanding. Amma will take care of what needs to happen in the bigger picture. there is certainty in realizing that everything that is happening contains the necessary experiences to open up more shafts and paths to truth if we are willing to see it.

i have been practising bringing worship into all aspects of my life. making my actions (kriya) fit to offer God. it is hard to remember all the time, but like Amma said on the retreat, "I know it is hard, but try." I love that. Because she knows what we are doing, where we are struggling and the issues that face us.