that is all

tonight i feel like writing but am not sure there is anything to say. less and less do i want to speak, but more and more does there feel like there is something to express. i feel like there is less of me. i feel like i am transforming something. i saw tonight during our talk with Jack about HIV and yoga that I am so blessed, have so much to be thankful, realize that I take the goodness for granted. Jivana reminded me that I have a mantra and of course that is my object of meditation. why would i be tryng other tools of meditation. I had a mantra initiation and that is it. there is nothing to figure out, only do. so i will use my mantra as my object of meditation always now. even though i so liked all my other ways to center and focus energy.

and,,,and...what? less than two weeks of training left and what will i do. i have alreasy said yes to trying this indian dance class. i know i have no idea what i have gotten myself into, but she assures me that after a year, once the teacher determines if the student is fit for further study will she 'graduate' and be asked to study this type of dance further. The style is called Bharata Natyam - and it is still a very popular style of dance in south India. very rich with mudras, and postures..i takes one year to even determine a student fit to perform one particular posture. wow - am i ready for such a thing, can my body handle this, or my mind - but i believe that as long as i continue to get myself out of the way i will be lead in the proper direction, learning the needed lessons and developing the proper skill.
i want to dance. i want to sing. doing a session at the Ali AKbar school of music in Marin is something i have been thinking about for some time. i feel more confortable in my voice, singing. i want to learn and practice scales. i want to balance the technical aspects of music with my natural devotional nature. is there room for anything else in the world for me besides devotion? i try to think and consider what will come of the future of this life and it is completely unfathomable. i have no idea. it is hard to plan anything. it is instilling patience in me to be trusting that the right things are happening.

amma will be here in five days...wow, it is like christmas when i was a child..her blessed form will be here. my body will tremble, my eyes will weeep and my belly with laugh with joy.
she is pure joy. i am pure joy. we are the same. tonight as Jack spoke of accepting himself, the words sunk in me with a giant THUD. yes. it is "my thing." My ten pound story that i am lugging around still. the shadowy cornerof my mind. accepting myself as i am right now. not trying to tranform and heal the next thing, but just being with how things are now. how i am now. what i am doing now. THIS level of consciousness.

that is all.