what is love? where does it come from? when i love somebody, what is doing the loving? how much of it is attachment to some idea? i feel so much love for him. a friend said maybe in this life i am not supposed to have a romantic relationship, maybe this time I am working on my self. maybe love is compassion. i feel compassion for many things and people. i feel a reverence, a respect, a sense of honoring for the willingness that people have to really seek the truth. I feel love when I see a person so dedicated to their path. I feel love when someone is a teacher to me and i learn from their example. when a person opens up a new door for me i feel a sense of love for their gift.


how often are we ascribing the acts that happen in the world to the people involved? when do we acknowledge the person behind the event and when do we recognize the deeper supreme forces operating? it is a good practice in my opinion to be responsible for our actions and take responsibility for our "personhood," but then when is what happens not a responsibility of the participants? is not taking responsibility opting out of life? i have found that i have wanted to do what makes people feel comfortable.


i wish to be an example of peace so that a deeper knowing can unfold for others. how does knowledge and positive change come if a person is misidentifying all that is happening for the truth. yes, there are mental truths..but the deeper mysteries. the existential truths that are waiting to be realized. i feel we need to unclutter our lives to allow that current to find our bodies and move through it.


i am at the edge of tears. all that i hold dear, all the connections that i have to loved ones feel heightened. i feel like i am leaving something behind..i feel a sense of sadness. i am only going to another country for two months, it is not that big of a deal but i guess on some level i know things will be different. everything is always transforming. i wish to not see differences in things anymore. i wish to be able to narrow my focus so that the light of God's eye is the reflection i see when i speak to all people. i wish to recognize the greatness of all beings and expand their best qualities. i wish to be a maternal influence in the lives of those that need healing and protection. in healing others i believe i will heal myself so that i may continue to be an effulgent productive light in some way.


i want to move ahead..and leave behind the fears of the past, the stories of recognition, the mental dances..can i do this alone? will i do this alone. i wish to align myself with the planetary energies that are there for me, to guide me,,they want to help..old friends that can eclipse the mind. i wish to allow all to rest and be. chasing after nothing..making no plans toward worldly pursuits..i wish that the worldly pursuits will fall in place around the greater dharmic path not the reverse.


i hope that my trip to India will be a place where i will come into contact with the deeper energies that will guide the next avenue of this life. i hear a voice that says.."pull back, go within..." discover what lies within. i long to be swallowed by Shiva