spiritual dramas

I have such a strong renunciate streak in me, or at least a renunciate-fantasizing mind. In practice it is hard work, giving up food, giving up repetitive, compulsive thinking, staying off the internet/email, the whole practice of non-consumption is not something that comes easily for me, but still i dream about wandering through God's lands, exploring inside myself, noticing details, watching trees breathe, and squirrels use their cute little claws to tear apart nuts and stuff nutmeat in their cheeks. I really appreciate simple acts of nature. i want to be around animals, and not so much around people. i feel like i am supposed to walk the spiritual path around people to some degree because I am a person right now, but i do wish to be somewhere where i didnt' have to speak or worry about things "working out" whatever that means. I read once how even the renunciates, the full-time spiritual seekers go through the same wordly dramas we do but there concerns are different, "oh he is more devoted to me, or he does more japa than me..I am still not spiritual enough." I can see the inherent contradiction in my thinking but nonetheless I fantasaize about this life. I feel I will go to India at the beginning of next year for some period of time. I think I will buy a one-way ticket and see what happens. Eeee. I am kind of afraid just saying that. All the trappings of my current life will surely fall away - or maybe not.