environment

it is hard cultivating a spiritual attitude and practice when i spend so many hours in an environment that is rajasic and high-speed. on the one hand, i want to be connected to people, have them feel comfortable and good and generally be related wherever I am. on the other hand there is a price. you know how when you wake up you realize how vivid and real your dream seemed until you woke up and started to experience a different reality.



when i return to my breath i realize i am out of balance. i have had a lot of caffeine and a lot of sugar the last few days. i can feel myself a little bit spun and i am not centered in myself. i am not sure where my center is. i mean, if i think about and get back there......awww there..deep breaths take me back to my center.


the other night i was meditating and i had an experience where i didn't exist. i was not idenitified with any part of myself. i was witness to it all and it was actually a little scary and pretty confronting. it is hard for me not to make wrong my current situation and feel like it is what is making me weak around sugar and caffeine and participating in conversations that do not illuminate or enlighten. but of course it is only that i gradually start to identify with the identity that i create here. i am this way and that way. and it is all fine and good, but it is hard to play the role but not become the role. you know?


so i guess this means it is time for me to step up my spiritual practices. going to yoga tonight and then home to bathe in some alone, quiet time. reading my book on tantra.


hmm..i just want to be alone right now.