Siva

the last month and even moreso the last two weeks have been some of the most painful in my life. It's hard to gauge and compare, especially because my late teens were no walk in the park, but the last six or so years of my life have largely been surmountable so I tend to look at things in blocks of time. Well last night or yesterday I started to feel things loosen up for me. I went to an interview at Integral Yoga Institute to do hte Teacher Training starting in a couple weeks and it was very sweet. I feel ready to take on such a big commitment.
It feels so right and so good to feel my inner self blossoming inside me. feeling all the energy swell in me but still stay contained in this form, as much as I am able to perceive that.
this morning on BART I did a meditation on the people. My eyes were fixed softly downward but my awareness was very much spread out all around me. What I noticed was all the movement around me--the fidgets, adjustments, all the things we do as self-conscious creatures. It was interesting and I guess amusing too. I never blinked. It reminded me of when I was a kid and would go underwater to see how long I could stay without coming up for air and I would do this thing that would feel like i was breathing, taking air in, allowing me to stay under longer. I don't know how long I stayed underwater but it seems like a couple minutes or so--that seems impossible. But I didn't blink on BART for what felt like at least two minutes. This is notable for me because I have a lot of problems with my eyes and they get dry and irritated pretty often, making it uncomfortable to hold my eyes open for long periods. but i am sure my "eye problem" is more psycholigical than physical, as are most of my "problems."

A question that has been on my mind lately is whether or not I should entirely leave my job here. John has invited me to stay many times and I keep saying no. and no it is not my life's deepest calling (or is it?)..but it takes care of me so well and provides a ton of stability. Aftet having a hellacious weekend (except for seeing my Dad and April which was super great!) I was really looking forward to getting to work. Yes its all made up, but havign a place that is my own, where i feel comfortable, safe, am valued, appreciated and I can contribute is pretty amazing. My boss told me I can "do spirituality here." I was surprised at his wisdom and that he said that to me. Of course Ican, but how does HE know that?! :) I love appreciating spirtual guides and teachers in the most unexpected places.
Also I might as well choose in line with how my karma is going to play out anyway..I think I have more karma in wealth and career than I do in wandering the planet and seeing where God takes me. that's what i'll ultimately do anyway. but i dont think i am ready to be a sannyasin. in fact it is presumtuous of me to imagine that's a possibility this life, but i dont know, i think these things and want God atthe highest practice. i can't make up my mind about htis one, and considering all the people waiting in line to take my job the choice may end up made for me.
i know it will alll work out as it is supposed to.

so i pray and i open and do sadhana. there is nothing like doing spiritual practices. all your worries and concerns will fade away in the face of meditation and prayer. I forget this, and it can be hard to practice when I would rather wallow in my junk..this last couple weeks I really went for it with self-pity and self-abuse in a mental/emotional way. I couldn't see a way out..i feel back on track with my spiritual practice. now if i only i can not get too attached to thinking i know anything or did something right. spiritual practice. spiritual practice. that is my answer and my path. nothing is purer and more real than Siva. Om Namah Sivaya