grace can flow

my ego is attached to writing when I feel so much love flowing out of my heart and am totally conencted to God. that way I know when people read my blog they will get the good stuff. I like to give people the good stuff. I will write now anyway.
My plans are going well to leave for India. I am pretty sure I will be on a plane on my birthday. 8/17. I will probably land in Uttaranchal - may do this week-long jyotish class. After that I will do the Sivananda Yoga Teacher Training in Uttaranchal. It is a 30-day intensive. I'm really looking forward to a daily submersion in yogic practice. That is the main reason I want to do a 30 day intensive. I was considering doing the treacher training at Integral in SF but it is two nights a week plus Saturdays and I would like to do a full intensive to establish good sadhana for myself.
It can be difficult to be at work in an environment that doesnt have my highest priorities in mind :) (I can be so skillful in my word choice..) and then switch to doing the things I would otherwise be doing if I weren't working. I find I get pretty tired at the end of the day.
It has also been an emotionally draining few weeks for me. Sadasiva and I breaking up and me practising peace inside myself. He was a big anchor to truth, simplicity and ease in my life. Even though I brought a lot of emotional drama as I tend to do in relaitonships, it is clear that being with him made my sadhana easier on some level. My sadhana has changed in that I bring more flow to it. I might say the names of the Divine Mother in my bed in the morning or do hatha pracitce or pranyama at home, so in some senses my sadhana is more organic doing it on my own, but i need structure to maintain discipline. i like myself better when i am in a relationship--that's not true, it is that i like the way my partner's tether me to the ground and keep me motivated to be a better person. too bad they are also so confusing for me and consequently i either pick bad relationships or choose men that teach me soemthing to take me to the next thing and then we are finished with each other. astrologically, i do not have a lot of indications for experiencing peace and joy in romantic relationships. so i am sure this is all the area in which i need to grow. i still have a fantasy that says i will live with a man and things will "turn out" - will have a dog and a garden--that is my worldy romantic aspiration, a dog, a garden and a man that wants god at the same level and is willing to practice and mess up with me. my aspirations for love are that i continue to fill my heart and mind with the love/peace i am made of and give that back to the world in the form of feminine energy, shakti, through my embrace, through compassionate eyes, with the softness and delicate hum of my skin, i want to planet seeds in our garden and raise the little sprouts to nourish our bodies. I read about the lives of sages and saints and it makes me weep to feel how deeply i want to merge my small quivering gentle self with that of god consciousness.. the way is through practice and simplification and dedication, perseverance to doing so. i long to know what it means to love as big as amma. my ego gets activated when i use the words samadhi or self-realized being, i cant think at that level or use those terms, they are so charged with meaning. i have no idea what samadhi means, but i know my heart wimpers and calls out for the lord's presence to reside in everything i am. please help me surrender everything i think i know so the grace can flow.
uhh..i am always on the verge of tears. and i hold it back so much of the time because i am at work. a lot of my waking hours are at work. who is my ishta deva? in what form will i worship you to bring you all the way inside me? please guide this innocent child's heart..