all, alone, renounce

today, on this day after the new moon, attacks in London and G8 summit in Scotland, I am realizing my real aloneness in the world. And this is good news for me. I started listening to Osho's talks on tantra, wanting to get a better understanding of what it IS rather than all these ideas about what it's NOT. so he says it is acceptance of everything. when we renounce the world we are still focusing on the world. when we accept ALL and everything we are richer and fuller. It sounds like this path comes after we have some control and mastery over our senses, and that people might mistake acceptance of everything as going hog wild after every desire they have-a grave misinterpretation and misunderstanding of these teachings. but what do i know, i am just listening newly and still working all these things out. so i have my life to dedicate to practice. maybe i will never fully accept and surrender to one path. but i will persevere in the direction of truth and God. I get torn about where to go and who to spend time with (which teachers, which path), but i am the most at home in peace when I am alone with God and my practices. Well I have been most at home and in peace in times when i have shared my spiritual practices with a special friend of mine, but i have grown too attached and am learning detachment.
I wish I could be with Amma in her presence for an extended period of time. i guess i could be i am just not doing it. i was told to take things one day at a time, that i don't have a chart that will allow me to make meaningful long-term plans in my life. this feels right. so i am not drinking any caffeine today and will continue to abstain from consumption of much.