Saturday, September 11, 2010

My daugther is my teacher

I've decided to start blogging again. I need an outlet for all the transmigrations that are taking place lately. There is cackling behind me - that is what happens at coffee shops, caffeine-induced bursts of sound.




Today is Ganesha's Birthday.




ॐ सोऽहं महोदराय स्वाहा


om so'haṁ mahodarāya svāhā



Who doesn't need obstacles removed?



The last two months have been exceedingly active in the realm of shedding and recalibrating and getting into a deeper layer of skin. ahhhhh...it feels so good to shed and wiggle into my deeper being. Becoming a mother almost exactly two years ago shifted so much in my life. I had no idea what I was in for. It's been like getting on a roller coaster and not seeing where the track lies ahead - bending, dipping, going through loop after loop. I feel like now I have come out of the tunnel and can see sunlight and a little bit of track. Either that, or I have just gotten comfortable with this seat I am in. No, I am not comfortable. I am happily uncomfortable. ahhhh...




I feel myself somewhat naked here. That is good. I feel vulnerable at being seen by the unknown. I am taking on living transparently. But that doesn't mean without boundaries. This has been a big distinction for me that I have been clarifying over time. Yes, I am formless and can shape-shift at will. But there is also substance. A substance that shines and glows and moves in many directions at the same time. Wow. There is immense power within. and I am playing with giving it breath in subtle ways, as subtle as breath.




I feel alive again. Yes. Did becoming a mother mean I had to give up some of my aliveness. I can't imagine the divine would make such a reality true. The first two years of my little girl's life have taught me about giving up being only for myself. it is amazing how self-absorbed I can be. A real homebody. and I love that. I also love being for another, but usually on MY terms. Ha! I have learned so much from my daughter. Like how to give things up in an instant. how to have silly fun out of nothing. How to express my pure, unadulterated emotions in their most raw form. She actually rages...they call this a "tantrum" of the "terrible twos." i love this. it doesn't fit into societies mold, these rowdy, wild squeals of fury. I am doing my best to give space to my daughter's full expression and not squelch her aliveness. I let her cry and scream. I don't always give into what she wants, because that is life...we don't always get what we want. but it feels SO refreshing to experience another in their true state of feeling. Yes. Thank you my sweet daughter for helping me get back in touch with my true state of emotion and feeling. Thank you for being my teacher.




The Wrathful Green Tara (above) is the paramount figure of the liberationist goal of spiritual practice, leading people across samsara from ignorance to enlightenment. She represents selfless commitment to the liberation of all sentient beings.