spiritual dramas

I have such a strong renunciate streak in me, or at least a renunciate-fantasizing mind. In practice it is hard work, giving up food, giving up repetitive, compulsive thinking, staying off the internet/email, the whole practice of non-consumption is not something that comes easily for me, but still i dream about wandering through God's lands, exploring inside myself, noticing details, watching trees breathe, and squirrels use their cute little claws to tear apart nuts and stuff nutmeat in their cheeks. I really appreciate simple acts of nature. i want to be around animals, and not so much around people. i feel like i am supposed to walk the spiritual path around people to some degree because I am a person right now, but i do wish to be somewhere where i didnt' have to speak or worry about things "working out" whatever that means. I read once how even the renunciates, the full-time spiritual seekers go through the same wordly dramas we do but there concerns are different, "oh he is more devoted to me, or he does more japa than me..I am still not spiritual enough." I can see the inherent contradiction in my thinking but nonetheless I fantasaize about this life. I feel I will go to India at the beginning of next year for some period of time. I think I will buy a one-way ticket and see what happens. Eeee. I am kind of afraid just saying that. All the trappings of my current life will surely fall away - or maybe not.

seeing

We look at something and we think we know it.
but look longer, that is, keep your attention fixed there and it transforms. it wakes up, moves, opens..

the eyes stop looking and seeing and seeing comes from another place.
suddenly we are not seeing anything with our eyes, the senses no longer serve this place in astronomy "seeing" is known as the level of detail we are able to see when observing the stars, planets, galaxies. fine seeing will show rings around stars. when seeing is not so good planets will look obscured and like they are under water, detail is diminished. the level of seeing is caused by turbulence in the sky and temperature differences in the atmosphere.

i wish i could turn into a planet. oh wait, i am already a planet, i just think being a human means being something other than a planet. made up of gas and dust and water..it's the same thing. maybe the planets sometimes forget their perfection and tumble through thinking they are just big balls of gas. jupiter's weather pattern, the great red spot can hold many of our puny little earths inside it. he must feel so grand at times when he forgets that he is the great brahmin, the priest, divine grace, the usher of expansive purposeful ethics, the visionary.

oh to be so significant. i want to forget everything i think i know, and everything i think i want, and to forget everything i think i'm not and all the prfound things i think I AM--blah!. i am none of it and more. why does it feel like i am turning my back on the world when i go inside,,there are no other people there. why do we all feel we need to be special? why do i want to be everything to everybody? yuck! i want to be nothing to nobody. have you ever observed that we go on repeating the same thoughts every day? what torture. this and that.

when we are not rested in our center we go to extremes. Osho said this. when we eat we will eat much, overeat, or we can fast. but simple eating is impossible. Fasting is easy. overeating is okay. we can be in the world committed, involved, or we can renounce the world- but we can never remain balanced. we can never remain in the middle, because if we are not centered we do not know what middle means.

this really hits the nail on the head for me. i read that yesterday and my stomach dropped with the truth of this.

Universal Prayer

O adorable Lord of mercy and love,
Salutations and prostrations unto Thee.
Thou art omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient;
Thou are Satchidananda, Truth, Knowledge, and Bliss;
Thou art the Indweller of all beings.

Grant us an understanding heart,
Equal vision, balanced mind,
Faith, devotion, and wisdom.
Grant us inner spiritual strength
To resist temptations and to control the mind.
Free us from egoism, lust, greed, and hatred,
Fill our hearts with divine virtues.

Let us behold Thee in all these names and forms,
Let us serve Thee in all these names and forms,
Let us ever remember Thee,
Let us ever sing Thy glories,
Let Thy name be ever on our lips,
Let us abide in Thee for ever and ever.