chillin with non-judgment

Meriem opened something up in me. Really, what i took away was how judgemental I am. how I separate myself from people, here at work, out in the world because they are "normal" and traditional and scared and closed and self-un-aware and I could go on.
I see a guy in a suit and I turn the other way. not really, I would probably smile and shine some love, but be open to his input in some way, his beliefs, ideas, point of view- not a chance. I have been righteous in my beliefs. Like I am really about truth and others just haven't found the way. I'm not such a jerk about it, but I dont give people a chance to contribute to me or listen to everybody with the same openness. Meriem suggested I do some "normal" things. try it out. i imagined myself in a book club. or playing softball. or going to the movies. things I would consider kind of dull and a waste of time, but that I actually could find enjoyment in. Going to a bar or something like that, what people do after work just has no appeal. It's all an interesting idea.
It really opened up how intense I like the ride, or at least, how intense the ride has been, putting myself in situations and getting involved in things that are eccentric, unique, different than the norm. It's true. and I still don't think it's a wrong way to live life, but considering the amount of suffering, pain, discomfort, unhappiness I have experienced the last year it makes some sense. trying on the balance. I go to extremes most of the time. So I am settling into my desk chair, eating some chocolate, answering my boss' phone. simple, easy. little. yellow. different. I think my psyche wants a break. my heart wants a break. im going to chill out a bit. stop pushing myself.

knowing, believing

Sitting in silence in front of the altar, with Amma, Hanuman and Krishna Das playing opened the inner reaches of my soul. this is what i want to do with my time. devotionally offer myself as a gift, be thankful, give, practice putting myself in situations that call for me to give myself, selflessly, without toting my ego around. practice. compassion, for myself. I am feeling rahu in the fourth. developing security through myself.


Amma made funny with me tonight when I said I wanted to start saying her names at 9, and I turned around after a lot of time had passed wondering of the time and it was exactly 9:00 PM. I looked at her and smiled, knowing it is her grace by which truth and perfection happens. I started to cry then because I saw how I don't believe. I know, but I don't belive. I know I am God, but I don't belive I am. I know that life is always happening the way it is supposed to but don't believe. I know that I am living out the karma that I manifested, but I don't believe. My MIND wants to believe. My consciousness knows.
She smiles that childlike grin .

[...]submerse myself entirely into Amma, into Swami Sivananda. I feel so provided for by both of them. they are the same.

challenge

A Thought for the Day From Sri Eknath Easwaran
- September 15

Man is not holier or higher for the outward works that he does. Truly God that is the Beholder of the heart rewards the will more than the deed. The deeds truly hang on the will, not the will on the deeds. - Richard Rolle

It is because we don't have any real challenge in life that most of us do not grow to our real height. We need a challenge that is worthy of our capacities, and making money, if I may say so, is not much of a challenge. Neither is becoming famous or achieving power; and as for pleasure, challenge is conspicuous by its absence. But becoming rich in personal relationships, learning to return love for hatred, being always aware of the unity of life, these things are the most difficult achievements on the face of the earth. Only when we see a person who has accomplished such feats do we begin to glimpse the heights a human being can attain. This is our real stature, and no matter what our problems or liabilities, every one of us can attain these heights through the regular, enthusiastic practice of meditation.

......
I long to have the divine's words so deeply rooted in my heart and mind that I live as an expression as Eknath describes and can speak it as eloquently.

Humility

Humility.
It was a long time before I really knew what this word meant. I heard it, but didn't know it was the condition of the adjective humble. Humility, a noun. It has always sounded inferior or like a poorer quality of something. The dictionary says "marked by meekness: showing deferential or submissive respect." This is how I've realted to humility all my life. Recently, Barnaby said to me that he would like to see me develop more humilty. He elaborated to say he would like to see me say no to some things or develop an attitude that considered/reflected more - versus the YES attitude I have had so much of my life.

Listening to some satsangs, Swami Amritaswarupananda says that Amma is the biggest and the smallest "I". She has every reason to behave in a very "I" way. She could flaunt how powerful and supreme and divine she is if she wanted. "I am God, I have renounced self-desire, look at me!" but of course she doesn't, because she is the most humble, full of the most humility. The "smallest" as he says. Amma is the biggest and the smallest. This is great news. So I am practising humility. I am practising purification of my mind.

humility is rooted in Latin, from the word humilis: meaning low, lowly, the ground.
This reminds me of doing a good anonymous deed every day, from the Wisdom Course. I did it for a couple days. I find myself spending a lot of time thinking about what it should be and to whom it should be directed; i.e. who deserves it.

I am a funny animal. this "I". Swamiji called the "I" phallic. that's funny. It is difficult speaking and writing so as not to use the word "I" so much, it takes practice, so far the word "me" has been an easy substitute. the mind is a tricky slickster.

mind spiraling

Today, a friend left a message for me on my cell phone and she mentioned something I had said once about feeling like the gap between "having it together" and being "fully off my rocker" emotionally/psychologically was miniscule, and in fact, I could access that insane place while feeling fully centered and at peace-as though it was a switch and i could flip the switch back and forth between 'insane' and 'sane' at will.

I must've said this as part of a larger conversation four or five months ago.

The thing I recognize now that I didn't have awareness of then is that that place where I felt insane was me getting lost in the endless looping of my mind/thought patterns and allowing that to run me, literally; basing my actions largely on what I thought, giving ultimate power to my mind (distinct from my intelligence).

I am in no way BEYOND living free from the wrenching of my mind, but I now realize that I am not my thoughts and they are not the ultimate reality - for me the "ultimate reality" or truth is what I refer to as GOD. By being present and having a mantra that I repeat in the moments where I am not focusing on something, I am able to free myself from what I describe as the negative spiraling of my mind.

Maya

Questioner: Amma, what is maya? How do You define it?

Amma: the mind is maya. The inability of the mind to conceive of the world as impermanent and changing is known as maya.

Questioner: It is also said that this objective world is maya.

Amma: Yes, because it is a projection of the mind. That which prevents us from seeing this reality is maya.
A lion made of sandalwood is real to a child, but to a grown-up, it's a piece of sandalwood. For the child, the wood is concealed, revealing only the lion. The parents may also enjoy the lion, but they know it is not real. For them, the wood is real, not the lion. In the same way, to a Self-realized soul, the entire universe is nothing but the essence, the "wood" that comprises everything, the Absolute Brahman, or consciousness.

From the book From Amma's Heart translated and written by Swami Amritaswarupananda