belief surrender trust

I feel such a weight around me. A lot of negative self-talk. Last night I sang in front of my altar for hours. Swami Paramatmananda's bhajans go right to my soul and dance around in empty delightful celebration. And I bought some finger cymbals at Rainbow. I practised making some noise with the things yesterday. There are so many ways to create sound.
Reading Radha's book, coming to the end is hard for me. I have gotten a lot of inspiration and peace from it,. Her journey to meeting Swami Sivananda, his grace moving through her, in such a short time, it is a beautiful story of a Western woman's way into India and sanyas. I want this too. But I know that I am full of so much pride. I have more of the fear-based holding on tight pride than I do the typical Leo self-glorifying pride. not like one is better than the other, but sometimes I hide behind mine not necessarily being so easy to see, my form of pride and self-indulgence.
I am finding it difficult to surrender and open to the divine, to allow Amma's grace to flow through me, I don't know what I am holding on to, I can't identify it. And it is always changing. One minute here, the next minute gone, and the new thing arises-- and so on and so on.
I am having a hard time feeling genuine happiness. Amma says sorrow and sadness lead to more devotion.
I don't want to believe that happiness is external to me, indulging in good food, good company or sensual pleasures. And my venus is sitting right next to my moon telling me that that is where happiness lies. but I know better. I don't think I will feel that ongoing bliss of joyful contentment until I, well as I move closer to the truth. I feel I am making progress, but I guess I expect that I will feel a different way inside. Or it is supposed to look different than it does. And there are so many temptations towads the UNtruth, with all this holiday food, and parties, and Tribe.net, and computers, and the media, and this mind. this mind I have that at times I use in such a powerful way, and other times runs me into the ground. Me,. me ME. Identification with this mind and this body. What about the witnesser. If I were to draw one of those wheels they have you draw where you shade in where your strengths and weaknesses are in different areas of life as it applies to my sadhana and yoga, the area of meditation is the most difficult for me. I can sing the divine's name through the night, I can say my mantra, do yoga--all these things where I am DOing something. But when I try to sit by myself I weasel out of it, have weak concentration and drift everywhere. At least I am attempting to meditate. Like Swami says, we sit for a half an hour and are lucky if we accomplish 2 minutes of real stillness. When Sadasiva and I do sadhana together I find it a lot easier to concentrate and meditate, but that makes me wonder if I am actually concentrating better if I am noticing that it is easier, that is my mind operating. sheesh. meditation comes easier when there is more than my body there. This reminds me of that quote that says you can tell the content of a person's character by how they behave when no one is looking.
But God is always there, seeing it all. Am i a fool to think that I will have the strength, courage, perseverance to realize who I really am. those qualities are pretty present in me, it is the belief, surrender and trust that are lacking. I started to make a list of the virtuous qualities Sivananda said we are to develop so I could clearly see where I can ease up and where I should set a higher intention. I need to pick that up again. For example, in the area of communication I am pretty developed, this serves me well in the world. and around responsibility, I do good there too. not that i will give those up, but honoring them and cultivating other virtuous qualites, like trust, belief, surrender..that's exciting. I am so afraid of losing the illusory control I think I have. what a tangled web I weave.Oh, and gratitude.
I am grateful for:
--a real, pure relationship with a man that sees and lives the truth the same way I do/want to. that our love grows stronger and deeper in its own unique, beautiful way.
--a job that pays well and is going to allow me to travel and practice being a better yogi, yogini.
--that my mom and i are trying to have something peaceful together
--the clarity of mind that comes naturally
--ability to communicate clearly
--that i feel so much and have experienced God fully taking me over.
--that more people are getting greater awareness and are inspired to share it with others
--a healthy body that is getting healthier and more pure
--housemates that I get along with and that are conscientious of themselves
--the "luck" that seems to follow me, guru, that leads me to right place always
--that i am aware of how enormous my pride and ego are and the other self-indulgant behavior i have, allowing me to 'do' something about it.
--that i am adaptable and flexible to my environment
this is hard. and i realize how little i honor and appreciate what i do have. it is usually mixed with self-doubt.