responsibility

this morning I am grateful for the ability to be responsible for myself. When I get triggered by things almost immediately I can claim responsibility for my "experience" of what is happening to me. It usually involves feeling like i want to vacate my body. There are different types of responsibility and the one I am referring to is emotional responsibility. This is probably due to having a a strong Sun and Mercury giving me the power to discriminate in my first house. I suffer a lot mentally. This morning i realized just how self-destructive I can be to myself. It happens very subtly and a lot of the time it is "hidden" but it is plainly visible to me. In the end, only to myself and to God do i need to answer..and God knows everything i am doing/thinking/saying and the self of me that I carry from day to day that is not evolved (I don't know what that is-my mind/brain..) knows what i am doing/thinking/saying, even if nobody else does. if we all just took 100% responsibility for our emotional selves we wouldn't have to worry about whether or not others were holding up their end of things. it is a gift to have this clarity. and i still suffer.
i think the next step for me in having even greater self-responsibility is to "get off it" even faster than I do. The way that I do that now is by listening to something that takes me back to the truth. this morning that was Sivananda Radha's divine light meditation on the BART train. I have grown a lot in the last week in my ability to change the experience i am having. or to get back to truth. as my relationship with my self deepens and my trust in the absolute grows I can always come back to truth when my moods and feelings get the best of me.
I think this is what it means to have emotional maturity at some level. I do not feel dependent on anybody for my happiness or spiritual/worldy success. There is still some part of me that has an attitude about it, like "well i can't count on anyone else so I have to do it myself" and even so- i think this is progress. the key for me is not closing in the process. even though there is "no one I can count on" remaining open to everything that IS while I strengthen and root myself to that which is real is very important.
I have felt such a closeness to Swami Sivananda Radha the last week and read some about her ashram in Canada. i wonder what canada is like. maybe i can go there after or before india. the ticket was only 250 RT from SF. her journey feels so potent to me, i wish i could've met her in her physical form,. maybe i will anyway. Radha will you show yourself to me when we are next together?
that's it. this is it. IT. that. this. I can feel my dissolution into it happening..slowly, but happening.
Aum amriteshwarayai namah