Sivaratri

I feel so thick-headed today. I know when I woke up this morning it felt like I traveled somewhere for an extended period of time, I was discombobulated--that reminds me of that Italian Film Director upon accepting his 7th or 8th award for My Beautiful Life however many years ago that was saying he was "discombobulated" because he was so excited/surprised and then I think he climbed a bunch of theatre chairs like an orangutan. You gotta love the Italians for their irreverance, or something like that.

Today is Sivaratri. Siva means Siva--dispeller of doubt and ratri means night. and subha means good- i learned that recently, so subha ratri means good night. At the event I went to last weekend where Shivaya was sharing some tales of his sadhu days in India he shared with us Sivaratri in Benares. He wandered in and out of all the homes where people had their doors open singing and crying out for Siva with crackling shrill voices and instruments in everyone's hands. I think he said he was in Ramana Maharshi's home at one point..people are consuming bang throughout the day including the kids and the animals, all living forms so everyone is higher than a kite and when it becomes night and is time to do kirtan everyone is going nuts. I get all floaty and high just imagining how ecstatic it must be. My Sivaratri will be spent at the Sivananda Center in San Francisco from 9PM to 6AM. I am pleased I took the day off tomorrow so I can sleep because like I said, my head is thick as an Oak trunk today and I could slip into deep sleep if I get anywhere near horizontal.

Even though the moon was new yesterday and I get a little more despondent than usual I feel I will not do a short stay in India and return to my job at WF. When I am feeling more spiritual and less worldy I tend to think of terms of something that makes me want to do full time sadhana..I don't know a more accurate, creative way to say it at the moment. accuracy and creativity, I value these two things. Though probably when we communicate further about this I will say that there is a chance I will come back at some point so the temp could be temporary, but then maybe permanent in the end. I don't know. I really like making and spending money. Lately it has been coming in fast and going out just as fast. liquid assets. money is to me as mercury is to the palm of your hand. i think it might burn our flesh, but i know it will slip through the fingers at the very least.

So today, I meditate on Siva, on Siva's many aspects as the auspiciousness that we all are, as the dispeller of doubt and bridge to creation from that which is destroyed.