exhilarating both

I got God and Amma in a new way over the course of the retreat. I felt Amma take up residence in my heart where she lived for me as a concept before. I got how much thinking I do and how what I’ve been wanting and trying to articulate is speaking from my heart. All these things that I have said before, in many different ways, I guess they are heard in the context we are ready to hear. When I felt I was speaking from my heart in the past I would filter it all up through my head first. I learned this weekend that when I speak from my heart there is no brain involved. I already know how to talk so there is nothing to think about-I can just allow Amma’s grace to speak through me. It is very subtle though and my mind and ego are laying down banana peels in my path wanting to throw me off course.

Today at work I was so excited to return. I saw how there is no difference in anything from who I am. Amma is who I am, and when I surrender to her I get her through me. Woah. Then I can be an offering to the entire world and there is no ME to filter anything through.
Hanuman, the messenger of Ram, has always been with me, but I saw him in other people and I realized that I am Hanuman. All I want is to be open as a messenger a conduit for the wisdom and truth of God to flow through me, unique to each person and every being I interact with. Delivering what people most want to hear at their deepest core. Durga and Hanuman. As my self disintegrates there is no me left, but this is reason to celebrate because I always thought that would make me empty and in a way I am still saying the same thing, but when “I’m” not there love, authenticity, compassion and grace are there.

And I believe Amma wants me in the states ultimately. She wants me to come to India and get trained, purify myself more, clean the sludge so the stream of amrita will effortlessly flow. There is a long journey of churning and yielding ahead. India India India. I am unbelievably inspired. I felt in the back of my mind that I would initiate into sanyas some day and either live in an ashram or be very remote in the world somewhere. Maybe I still will. But I hear Amma saying that I have skills that are valuable IN the world, in this world of maya. I can help people, I don’t know how. On a regular basis I interact with people one on one and can feel that what I am saying or how I am being makes a difference, but still there feels like something more vast than daily incidental actions are the best use of me. How can I serve? Amma, teach me to serve the world in the way that you know is best. This discovery seems it will come next year. Right now there is still a lot of house to be cleaned. Staying on track, doing my sadhana, not getting nailed down by the dramas I sometimes put myself through. She wants me to explore my self by my self and that scares me deeply and is exhilarating both.