personality and growth

today I am thinking about personality. Someone else told me I have a great personality this morning. Oh boy, isn't that what people say when you are unattractive--"she's cute, sure, BUT she's got a *great* personality." I feel cycnism rise in me. I know this gets in my way and stalls spiritual progress, but sometimes things are just too funny and I get on a roll laughing about stupid things. Finding the humor in life is a good thing, but I know the ego is subtle and works in slight, mysterious ways. I can feel my ego taking up space. erggghhh. and I can feel the grace. feel the longing to know myself, to some day, for many moments be able to experience who I really am--and not forget it. And, the cynicism, the oatmeal cookies I ate are comfortable ways to not confront the deep pain that I feel at not being one with my beloved.
Sometimes while sitting here I get a glimpse of Siva. At the satsang on Monday it was said by Amma to make an altar in the space between our eyes for our beloved. I have been doing that. Shiva is my beloved. I think of him, see his softly closed lids and meditative posture and my heart is destroyed open. I know it's impractical to sit in one place for the rest of my life crying and singing and breathing for Siva to come into my heart, but I often only want to do that. I thought I would do it this way by going to India and freeing myself the ties to my worldly life, but I havent learned my lessons or had the experiences I need to do that yet. there is so much for me to grow and experience.

on monday i will start my teacher training at Integral and i am very excited and nervous about the discipline it is going to require of me. I Iove the way my life is structured now with my evenings relatively free so that I can go to yoga, spend time with SadaSiva and go to bed early when I wish. Now I am devising a plan for how my days will look so that I can keep up the commitments I have with teacher training and it's not always going to be easy or comfortable. it'll be good for me.

the altar i've built for Shiva is made of three red steps. He sits in front of the steps in his meditative posture with his trident in one hand and damaru in the other, a pot by his side. HIs body is blue and outlined in a shimmery translucent gold and his hair is piled high and draped along his shoulders. the steps are worn where some wood shows through. there is a cool wispy sound, like that of the crevices in the himalayas. I feel like i am having the most exquisite love affair with Shiva. He enters my body and fills my heart at the thought or site of him. I have made an association with this one aspect of Siva and haven't had the same experience with his other aspects, like Nataraj.
I have different aspects of the divine for different purposes. I feel joy and compassion when I see Amma's bright, beautiful angelic smile. When I forget to serve and love and shine light into the world I envision Amma. To remind myself of the importance of discipline and practice and cultivating more discrimination I see Swami Sivananda Saraswati. He is a symbol and reminder of a clean mind, staying committed, keeping my focus.

There are so many components to growth and I feel like I am doing okay with my progress. Sometimes I get derailed or question myself when I listen to what the people around me say about "how I'm doing," Of course people want to see their loved ones happy, healthy and all that, but it can be so complicated. What do people mean by "happy?" Only I can really define that for myself. I feel I have a reason to live that is inspired by the inner peace and knowing that I keep discovering. Even in moments of confusion or lack of clarity I know I will be okay and will be provided for if I keep nurturing that place within. It is a very personal experience. Even though there are a lot of people that are doing spiritual practices and it feels good to bond with them, affirm the path and have the path affirmed, my progress and its measure are best kept to myself. i am still trying to find a solution or balance to interacting with people in the world in a positive way and keeping myself on track.