surrendering to uncertainty and certainty

this photo captures how i have been feeling lately. black and white. simple. quiet. rested. becoming a renunciate. a saddhu. being one with the lord. i think about Amma and what she is doing, and wanting to be with her. where will she take me. on what turns. Swami Paramanatmananda reminded us that eveything the guru does has intention behind it. no look, or turn of the head is for nothing. it does still make me wonder why she gave me and that person darshan together. it so much felt like a dream, and still does. and the fact that he hardly acknowledged it made it seem even more so like i was making it up. i do sometimes confuse the two. i have mistaken a dream to be reality and vice-versa. but the act of the guru probably contains the power not the interpretation of the disciple. who knows what she is doing, what kind of subtle energies she is directing and to what end. i think this is surrender. to the uncertainty of it all. but then there is certainty too. the certainty that if I continue to surrender life will unfold dynamically and appropriately and by way of truth, without the needed intellectual understanding. Amma will take care of what needs to happen in the bigger picture. there is certainty in realizing that everything that is happening contains the necessary experiences to open up more shafts and paths to truth if we are willing to see it.

i have been practising bringing worship into all aspects of my life. making my actions (kriya) fit to offer God. it is hard to remember all the time, but like Amma said on the retreat, "I know it is hard, but try." I love that. Because she knows what we are doing, where we are struggling and the issues that face us.

down time

well i finished my yoga teacher training program. last night was our ceremony. we shared amongst one anohter and did a beautiful meditation where we focused our attention on each other. one of the things i realized and shared with the group was that it was significant that i completed the course. recognizing how easy it is for me to start new things and how difficult it is for me to complete things. so i give myself credit for this and i am truly proud of myself--something that i don't always feel. I usually notice where something could have been better or wasn't quite right, moreso than seeing all the good that happened. this happens with myself much more than with others, i am very hard on myself and i had a chance to see this clearly during our training. i am practising loving kindness and acceptance toward self. i feel very grateful to be seeing this now in my life. i have spent a lot of years seeking external validation and judging my worth based on external responses and while i think that is useful to a point, it does not allow me to cultivate lasting happiness within because the without is always changing and making it seem like i need to change my external environment. big lesson here.

i am going to take some down time for awhile. Amma has been here for a week and will be for another. I have spent two days with her last week and then will go all day tomorrow through Sunday. I am sure this will be a transformative, ripening experience as always. spending time by the pond, singing bhajans - IGET TO sing BHAJANS Again- YAY! i have missed this more than anything perhaps, and haven't been practising on my harmonium the last three months.

i have had two ideas for the future in the last week:
one is doing some public chanting with the harmonium, like singing bhajans, but instead reciting mantras -over and over and over while i play the harmonium. this would be good with the mahamrityunjaya mantra.
and the other idea is to do very extended yoga nidra classes based on what i have learned and the more extensive possibilities from the Swami Satyananda book I am reading. Maybe teaming up with Asoka and asking him more about jnana yoga and ways to integrate the two.

i think it would be fun to do workshops at Integral Yoga. I think i would also like to teach there. there is an application process that will take some time, but it would be good for me to keep my teaching muscle flexed, or get started I guess. I want to hold free classes at my house in the living room for a small group. we'll see what happens.
in the meantime, i am chewing the cud. going slow and easy, never straining or laboring.

that is all

tonight i feel like writing but am not sure there is anything to say. less and less do i want to speak, but more and more does there feel like there is something to express. i feel like there is less of me. i feel like i am transforming something. i saw tonight during our talk with Jack about HIV and yoga that I am so blessed, have so much to be thankful, realize that I take the goodness for granted. Jivana reminded me that I have a mantra and of course that is my object of meditation. why would i be tryng other tools of meditation. I had a mantra initiation and that is it. there is nothing to figure out, only do. so i will use my mantra as my object of meditation always now. even though i so liked all my other ways to center and focus energy.

and,,,and...what? less than two weeks of training left and what will i do. i have alreasy said yes to trying this indian dance class. i know i have no idea what i have gotten myself into, but she assures me that after a year, once the teacher determines if the student is fit for further study will she 'graduate' and be asked to study this type of dance further. The style is called Bharata Natyam - and it is still a very popular style of dance in south India. very rich with mudras, and postures..i takes one year to even determine a student fit to perform one particular posture. wow - am i ready for such a thing, can my body handle this, or my mind - but i believe that as long as i continue to get myself out of the way i will be lead in the proper direction, learning the needed lessons and developing the proper skill.
i want to dance. i want to sing. doing a session at the Ali AKbar school of music in Marin is something i have been thinking about for some time. i feel more confortable in my voice, singing. i want to learn and practice scales. i want to balance the technical aspects of music with my natural devotional nature. is there room for anything else in the world for me besides devotion? i try to think and consider what will come of the future of this life and it is completely unfathomable. i have no idea. it is hard to plan anything. it is instilling patience in me to be trusting that the right things are happening.

amma will be here in five days...wow, it is like christmas when i was a child..her blessed form will be here. my body will tremble, my eyes will weeep and my belly with laugh with joy.
she is pure joy. i am pure joy. we are the same. tonight as Jack spoke of accepting himself, the words sunk in me with a giant THUD. yes. it is "my thing." My ten pound story that i am lugging around still. the shadowy cornerof my mind. accepting myself as i am right now. not trying to tranform and heal the next thing, but just being with how things are now. how i am now. what i am doing now. THIS level of consciousness.

that is all.