what is love? where does it come from? when i love somebody, what is doing the loving? how much of it is attachment to some idea? i feel so much love for him. a friend said maybe in this life i am not supposed to have a romantic relationship, maybe this time I am working on my self. maybe love is compassion. i feel compassion for many things and people. i feel a reverence, a respect, a sense of honoring for the willingness that people have to really seek the truth. I feel love when I see a person so dedicated to their path. I feel love when someone is a teacher to me and i learn from their example. when a person opens up a new door for me i feel a sense of love for their gift.


how often are we ascribing the acts that happen in the world to the people involved? when do we acknowledge the person behind the event and when do we recognize the deeper supreme forces operating? it is a good practice in my opinion to be responsible for our actions and take responsibility for our "personhood," but then when is what happens not a responsibility of the participants? is not taking responsibility opting out of life? i have found that i have wanted to do what makes people feel comfortable.


i wish to be an example of peace so that a deeper knowing can unfold for others. how does knowledge and positive change come if a person is misidentifying all that is happening for the truth. yes, there are mental truths..but the deeper mysteries. the existential truths that are waiting to be realized. i feel we need to unclutter our lives to allow that current to find our bodies and move through it.


i am at the edge of tears. all that i hold dear, all the connections that i have to loved ones feel heightened. i feel like i am leaving something behind..i feel a sense of sadness. i am only going to another country for two months, it is not that big of a deal but i guess on some level i know things will be different. everything is always transforming. i wish to not see differences in things anymore. i wish to be able to narrow my focus so that the light of God's eye is the reflection i see when i speak to all people. i wish to recognize the greatness of all beings and expand their best qualities. i wish to be a maternal influence in the lives of those that need healing and protection. in healing others i believe i will heal myself so that i may continue to be an effulgent productive light in some way.


i want to move ahead..and leave behind the fears of the past, the stories of recognition, the mental dances..can i do this alone? will i do this alone. i wish to align myself with the planetary energies that are there for me, to guide me,,they want to help..old friends that can eclipse the mind. i wish to allow all to rest and be. chasing after nothing..making no plans toward worldly pursuits..i wish that the worldly pursuits will fall in place around the greater dharmic path not the reverse.


i hope that my trip to India will be a place where i will come into contact with the deeper energies that will guide the next avenue of this life. i hear a voice that says.."pull back, go within..." discover what lies within. i long to be swallowed by Shiva

obstacles

obstacles.
walking to work this morning, covering the same ground i have covered for a few years I stepped over the dip in the concrete for perhaps the thousandth time. it occured to me that the dip i have twisted my ankle in several times before is no longer an obstacle for me. i know it's there, approximately 40 steps away from one curb and 10 before the next. i thought how interesting that this piece of ground has just become part of the journey. then it got me thinking about obstacles and what they are where they come from. unknown future fears. saturn is the planet of fear. we pray to Lord Ganapati Ganesha to remove the obstacles in our way. I guess it is not important to know what the obstacles are, we just pray for their removal. And once we know what they are are they any longer an obstacle? like the dip in the road has become part of the path and does not present a problem anymore. it is the unknown uncertain future that alludes us and creates a fearful complex.
Amma says that we have divereted much more tragedy than we would have faced this year had we not been praying as much as we have. I've just heard that we are to increase our prayers still as there could be more trouble on the horizon. in fact, Christmas Day was mentioned. On the 23rd I go to LA to be with my Mother and then Father for the Holidays. on the 26th I return home and then board British Airways en route to India for two months. December 27th is the day saturn and mars are in an exact square to one another. Mars is moving forward pulling in that direction and saturn is retrograde pulling backward. these are difficult planets in a difficult position. So obstacles. I have some fear that I may never make it off the ground on the 27th. I have lined up many things for my departure so that would be a huge disappointment and of course i have a ticket that is non-everything, refundable, transferable, changeable, etc...so we will see. Mars is in my ninth house and saturn my twelfth so i think there can be an impact on foregin travel. had i more luxury of choosing another date to get on a plane, December 27th would not have been the date I would choose, but there it is. Gam Ganapataye namo namah.

a warm room

i just moved my living situation recently and in the move i always get rid of more things..once i got to my new space i found that i still had more to free myself of. and so did.


my room has a soft warm glow..in the morning the sun rises to the east and gently forces its light through the sheer of the window covering. the yellow painted walls bask in the glow of the sun and his easeful entry into their space.


everything is low to the ground. i have no bed, no desk..just an altar and a chest of drawers. it feels so grounding to live closer to earth rather than suspended atop a tall bed and high chairs..but to rest my heavy grateful body into the carpet and look up at Kali.
Maaaaa.......!


i wonder if one day i will have nothing but an altar to my beloved deities. to worship, praise, sing, devote, chant..all is for you.


please teach me how to serve better,

show me how to make my entire life an offering unto thee,

hold me close to you and never let me go,

this child of yours is lost in a world of samsara

and so i pray for your forgiveness and compassion

that i may some day be absolved of all suffering

and return home



om namah shivaya gurave

satchitananda murtaye

nisprapancaya shantaya

niralambaya tejase



I bow to the goodness within myself

that is the true teacher

This essence inside takes the form of truth, consciousness and bliss

Always present and full of peace,

this essence is in its nature completely free,

and sparkles with a divine luster inconceivable.

imagining your beauty before me

at last your cool nutritive form squishes these closed places apart

your inner riches

falling before the ready seeker

dreaming to return to you

dying to wake up in your heavenly bone-crushing embrace

how will this I know it has died by your mercy

by what weapon will this clever head find itself lobbed off

if these eyes have wept their final tear

if this pounding chest has longed after its last heartache of separation

your glory will be revealed to this well-worn husk

yearning



Ma Ma Kali...Ma

take from me all that is not free..

Durga Ma Kali Ma..

darkness like the night..

burning eyes of light..

Oh have mercy on me Ma.