yoga sutras

last night in class we discussed Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, sutras 3-9.

when i first heard of the yoga sutras i assumed they were only related to hatha yoga - they are so rich and powerful. sutra means thread. like suture in English; the material used to close a wound or join tissues.
the sutras are known as "living scriptures;" a tool to illuminate our spiritual path.

the eigth sutra says:

Misconception occurs when knowledge of something is not based upon its true form.

that is, we are not seeing things as they truly are. when i would spend time in the woods i would think everything was a bear and my heart would race, then settle after i realized it was only a tree stump.

it is believed that we spend the majority of our time in this false understanding of the way things are. that is refreshing to realize because that means things that seem unfair or arent right are only misrepresentations of what is actually going on anyway, so why worry?

selfish versus selfless

The last couple of days have shown me how much selfishness I have inside. How my thought patterns create more "self-fulfilling prophecies" of pain, not only for me, but more importantly to others. I am seeing how often and for how long I have [subconsciously] made my emotional unrest a problem for other people. I feel like i am in the throes of it now and don't have a lot of hindsight clarity, but am sure that will come as i continue to feel this and explore it all as it is rising in my consciousness.

The fifth sutra of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali says:

Vrttayah Pancatayyah Klista Aklistah

There are five kinds of mental modifications which are either painful or painless.

from Swami Satchidananda's translation of the Sutras:

Selfish thoughts ultimatlely bring pain. For example, to love something or someone is pleasurable. But many of us have experienced how the very same love brought us a lot of unhappiness, pain, hatred, jealousy, and so on. Why? because that love was not just a pure love but was based on some expectation in return.There was selfishness in it. the expectation may be anything from a little financial comfort, physical pleasure or recognition. So love, though it appears to be a painless thought, ultimately ends in pain if it is based on selfishness.

Also, doing some reading on jealousy, wanting to get some understanding about what is actually happening and where it comes from, i found these good words that resonate with me--

from David Deida:

Jealousy stems from a desire to be loved.

The desire to be loved stems from a feeling like you are not loved already.

The feeling that "you are not loved already" stems from feeling like you are separated from God.

Jealousy points to your false hopes of fulfillment.

Jealousy is the sting of false hope. You are open or closed, various experiences come and go, everything gained is threatened by loss, and nothing is quite as fulfilling as your jealousy promises.

This sense of waiting, as if the future might offer you something more fulfilling than this moment, is the essence of jealous suffering.

You may need to follow in your friend's footsteps, acquire riches, and surround yourself in the image of your relief. Then, sitting in the midst of your acquisitions, the evidence will be incontrovertible: Something still feels missing. Still, you are jealous of someone or something. Still waiting.

While you are unwilling to open as you are, jealousy reminds you of what you are waiting for.

from someone else whose name i didnt get

What you are actually clinging to with such jealousy is the body of your beloved, that is to say, an envelope, a shell.

How can the fear of losing a shell, someone's body or house, be compared to the joy of winning a spirit, of having that spirit at your side?

The only thing you can do is avoid opening the floodgates: that is the only way to remain in control of the situation. Intelligence is the only thing that can overcome jealousy. It is all a question of thought, of reason.

So all of these thoughts. all of this opening is where i want to grow the most. my issues of being self-conscious, of not wanting to be seen as a teacher or being so afraid, so uncomfortable, really it is all just a game of selfishness. And I haven't even been very aware of it, but I am painfully aware now of how much of this suffering i have created in relationships, for other people. right now i feel afraid that i don't have what it takes to be any other way, but i believe that is just more of the same negative, painful patterns that i have operated as. i do know from experience that the more I meditate, the more I still and quiet myself internally, the more I find happiness on the inside and allow God's love to completely fill me-fill the place where I still act like there is something external that will satisfy it, staying true to my path, the more I feel relaxed and grateful for how much I have and can love freely in the waves of the Divine's ocean. Putting my attention on all riches I have and am receiving rather than how things could (falsely) be better.

transormation and evolution is a spiral, with dips and hops and stops and skips.

TT and receiving

Last night began my first session of yoga teacher training at IYI. There are 14 of us in the class, 11 women and 3 men. Everyone pretty much got there early..We did introductions. I was self-conscious and said so, also that one of my intentions was to feel more comfort in being seen and loved in a big group like that, Grace and receptivity through humilty. This woman K sat to my right and she is like this sparkly burst of carbonated water..she has a lot of energy and spoke in a very jumbled, loving way. She is the kind of person I believe people feel comfortable around immediately because she is just right there in front with her silliness, kind of like a 12 year old, but in a very endearing way. I sometimes wonder if people that seem like they are 12, but are really 25 or 30 retain that kind of bubble into their thirties and forties and later.
We received a lot of material to cover in the next 13 weeks. Everyone had an eager, anxious, committed way about them. I am excited to make friends with this community. in fact, that has been a big part of my wanting to do this training that i hadn't realized until recently, establishing some nice connections with people, women in particular, that are on a spiritual path--that i could share my feminine experience with now and into the future. I realyl hope we bond as a community and partners and friends and teachers. There is a pregnant woman, a woman with asthma, an older woman, a guy to whom all of this yoga stuff is very new, a girl that reminds me of my old housemate Nora, a couple school teachers. there are quite a few people for whom English is their second language. One woman is hoping that she can learn to teach this style of yoga in Spanish during our training.

So now begins my real sadhana. We interviewed a potential housemate last night and every part of me wanted to cut away early and my continual bringing the conversation back to the essentials so we could finish up and L and I could go to bed. I was very aware of how selfish I am. yes, part of it is taking care of myself, asking for what I need, and part of it is this way in which I control situations and my environment to get what I want..in subtle ways and not so subtle ways as well. this brings me to my current growth situation.

It's hard to capture it in a word, but the first word that keeps coming to me is surrender. but not how i have understood surrender in the past. It's the dance of projection and receptivity, masculine and feminine, receiving and not giving, opening in a way that invites rather than projects. I have been realizing this a lot lately, but really saw it when i was sharing with somebody about the walk I took on Saturday through San Francisco down by the water. I could feel so much love flowing out of me, i felt open, and alive and free from constraint. the difference and what this person asked me is - yes, but were you also able to receive the gifts that were being offered. hmm. i had to think about that and that has opened up even deeper how much energy i have, how 'easy' it is for me to give love, and it is much more difficult for me to receive love - especially if I have to try too hard. it's a lot easier to receive someone saying I love you, or you are this or you are that, or giving me a tangible gift..my practice is in feeling deeper, into the deeper gifts that are being offered and receive those. i can receive Siva when i am alone or in my own space in some way very quickly and with little effort, but how do I relax enough to recieve Siva through SadaSiva..and other's gifts of Siva. it is all Siva, and yet I struggle to receive it ALL as Siva.
I am very aware of how much energy I have and how much it wants to come out of me. How can I channel and house all the energy in my body. a lot of it is tension and anxiety, but there are a lot of other sensations swirling about. hatha helps, singing helps. probably bhakti is the best expression of it as far as releasing goes. hatha helps me move energy around my body and light me up, feel grounded in my body. sometimes i think taking on a martial art wouldnt be a bad idea to allow the aggressive/destructive energy a place to release--because that is definitely there too and i want to use it constructively.
but even so, even though i feel such a need to release energy, like a volcano--that Kali raging death energy--my bigger practice is to receive. but maybe it is harder to receive when I feel so full of so much other stuff. i wish i felt free when I painted, or would dance more. i feel overwhelmed when i consider taking on more commitments than the ones I currently have, sacrificing quality for quantity. I also believe that by putting this in my consciousness I can get some practice and clarity around it.
Bhavani said to us last night that she has not witnessed a single person going through this teacher training that has not radically transformed in some way. I hope to transform that part of me that feels I need to maintain control and is anxious and transmute it into deep feminine longing, relaxed and tension-free

personality and growth

today I am thinking about personality. Someone else told me I have a great personality this morning. Oh boy, isn't that what people say when you are unattractive--"she's cute, sure, BUT she's got a *great* personality." I feel cycnism rise in me. I know this gets in my way and stalls spiritual progress, but sometimes things are just too funny and I get on a roll laughing about stupid things. Finding the humor in life is a good thing, but I know the ego is subtle and works in slight, mysterious ways. I can feel my ego taking up space. erggghhh. and I can feel the grace. feel the longing to know myself, to some day, for many moments be able to experience who I really am--and not forget it. And, the cynicism, the oatmeal cookies I ate are comfortable ways to not confront the deep pain that I feel at not being one with my beloved.
Sometimes while sitting here I get a glimpse of Siva. At the satsang on Monday it was said by Amma to make an altar in the space between our eyes for our beloved. I have been doing that. Shiva is my beloved. I think of him, see his softly closed lids and meditative posture and my heart is destroyed open. I know it's impractical to sit in one place for the rest of my life crying and singing and breathing for Siva to come into my heart, but I often only want to do that. I thought I would do it this way by going to India and freeing myself the ties to my worldly life, but I havent learned my lessons or had the experiences I need to do that yet. there is so much for me to grow and experience.

on monday i will start my teacher training at Integral and i am very excited and nervous about the discipline it is going to require of me. I Iove the way my life is structured now with my evenings relatively free so that I can go to yoga, spend time with SadaSiva and go to bed early when I wish. Now I am devising a plan for how my days will look so that I can keep up the commitments I have with teacher training and it's not always going to be easy or comfortable. it'll be good for me.

the altar i've built for Shiva is made of three red steps. He sits in front of the steps in his meditative posture with his trident in one hand and damaru in the other, a pot by his side. HIs body is blue and outlined in a shimmery translucent gold and his hair is piled high and draped along his shoulders. the steps are worn where some wood shows through. there is a cool wispy sound, like that of the crevices in the himalayas. I feel like i am having the most exquisite love affair with Shiva. He enters my body and fills my heart at the thought or site of him. I have made an association with this one aspect of Siva and haven't had the same experience with his other aspects, like Nataraj.
I have different aspects of the divine for different purposes. I feel joy and compassion when I see Amma's bright, beautiful angelic smile. When I forget to serve and love and shine light into the world I envision Amma. To remind myself of the importance of discipline and practice and cultivating more discrimination I see Swami Sivananda Saraswati. He is a symbol and reminder of a clean mind, staying committed, keeping my focus.

There are so many components to growth and I feel like I am doing okay with my progress. Sometimes I get derailed or question myself when I listen to what the people around me say about "how I'm doing," Of course people want to see their loved ones happy, healthy and all that, but it can be so complicated. What do people mean by "happy?" Only I can really define that for myself. I feel I have a reason to live that is inspired by the inner peace and knowing that I keep discovering. Even in moments of confusion or lack of clarity I know I will be okay and will be provided for if I keep nurturing that place within. It is a very personal experience. Even though there are a lot of people that are doing spiritual practices and it feels good to bond with them, affirm the path and have the path affirmed, my progress and its measure are best kept to myself. i am still trying to find a solution or balance to interacting with people in the world in a positive way and keeping myself on track.

classical yoga

Last night I was at an Anusara class and the instructor illuminated something for me, helped me get clear on a distinction--she was talking about how classical yoga and Anusara are different in that classical yoga instructs you to do away with desires, that they are a further entanglement of maya--and in Anusara, the attention is on witnessing your longings and desires and creating them, manifesting from there.
What she was saying was not inherently bad in any way, but there is a fundamental difference as she touched on between classical yoga and I would say all the other types of modern yoga. I feel more moved by the path of austerities and tapas and renunciation. Renunciation of desires and rajasic stimulation and input. I want my manifestations and creations to spring from my heart and my voice guided by God, guided by Love, not to confuse where life's greatest mysteries and miracles come from. I am not the doer. If I am te doer than my creations will be limited to what I know, what I have learned, what I believe to be possible, instead of what is actually possible which I only have the vaguest notion of. God is infinite. Consciousness is infinite. My thoughts and ideas and concepts are limited and separative.

It was refreshing to hear her say that, because even though I regularly go to yoga classes that are more of the thought and practice that she is talking about--creating, manifesting, discovering our desires--who I am, the path I am on is the classical system. I have never heard anyone "on the other side" admit/say this. People in the classical system are very aware of this difference, it is pervasive in the west. And it is a good thing. I started doing Bikram yoga two years ago when everything began to open up for me around spirituality. Had I not had that experience of feeling my chakras exploded open the night of the first full class I did (I didnt make it through the first class-- i left feeling sick and nauseous and shocked buy the intensity) maybe, probably I would not have explored that place, what was THAT? What happened in my body. That is why yoga is a science. It is a system of practica steps that work. Regardless of what we think, whether or not we like it or have ANY opinion of it. That is the true motivation/teaching of classical yoga. So, I exhale with this new awareness.

I don't wish to create separation from us-the classicalists and them--the I don't know, the desire manifesters, or said with less sarcasm, the contemporaries, but I do wish to align myself further with the path that speaks to my values and convictions. Not desires, because it is not me desiring. There is less me, and more God, more consciousness.

This contemporary view on manifesting our desires, maybe it's not contemporary I dont know I am just figuring stuff out and looking and the innerworkings of this all in some way I can, is what I believe a lot of people dear to me (friends from the last few years that for the most part I have not spent any time with) are doing with their wisdom and energy. Weaving in components of spirituality with a more modern-day view of intellectualism. Intellectualism being developing ourselves in ways that put us in control of our lives, accessing our potential from a place of creator. There is a lot of wisdom here, especially as we are also these bodies walking around with these mouths that say things, sometimes things that make people mad or hurt and we have to address those things, those ways that we are not responsible with these bodies that have these mouths that get us in trouble. I am grateful for the growth and development I have had in this area, taking responsibility, knowing how to clean up the verbal messes I make--they are useful and necessary in a place where we are very much about using our intellect and see ourselves as separate masses. separate messes? :)

anyway, end o' rant.
I am grateful to have some of this take shape a little better inside myself. I am grateful for the beautiful love affair I a m having with Siva. I am grateful that even when I doubt Amma and think she doesnt have room for me or that she is not my real Guru she is always there and she always shows me my way back. I am grateful for SadaSiva and his bold truthful heart. I am grateful that we are committed to staying powerful, loving and open with one another. I am grateful for all of the energy of the planets, their grace, beauty and teachings in all forms.

--
Hari Om Tat Sat

Sivaratri

I feel so thick-headed today. I know when I woke up this morning it felt like I traveled somewhere for an extended period of time, I was discombobulated--that reminds me of that Italian Film Director upon accepting his 7th or 8th award for My Beautiful Life however many years ago that was saying he was "discombobulated" because he was so excited/surprised and then I think he climbed a bunch of theatre chairs like an orangutan. You gotta love the Italians for their irreverance, or something like that.

Today is Sivaratri. Siva means Siva--dispeller of doubt and ratri means night. and subha means good- i learned that recently, so subha ratri means good night. At the event I went to last weekend where Shivaya was sharing some tales of his sadhu days in India he shared with us Sivaratri in Benares. He wandered in and out of all the homes where people had their doors open singing and crying out for Siva with crackling shrill voices and instruments in everyone's hands. I think he said he was in Ramana Maharshi's home at one point..people are consuming bang throughout the day including the kids and the animals, all living forms so everyone is higher than a kite and when it becomes night and is time to do kirtan everyone is going nuts. I get all floaty and high just imagining how ecstatic it must be. My Sivaratri will be spent at the Sivananda Center in San Francisco from 9PM to 6AM. I am pleased I took the day off tomorrow so I can sleep because like I said, my head is thick as an Oak trunk today and I could slip into deep sleep if I get anywhere near horizontal.

Even though the moon was new yesterday and I get a little more despondent than usual I feel I will not do a short stay in India and return to my job at WF. When I am feeling more spiritual and less worldy I tend to think of terms of something that makes me want to do full time sadhana..I don't know a more accurate, creative way to say it at the moment. accuracy and creativity, I value these two things. Though probably when we communicate further about this I will say that there is a chance I will come back at some point so the temp could be temporary, but then maybe permanent in the end. I don't know. I really like making and spending money. Lately it has been coming in fast and going out just as fast. liquid assets. money is to me as mercury is to the palm of your hand. i think it might burn our flesh, but i know it will slip through the fingers at the very least.

So today, I meditate on Siva, on Siva's many aspects as the auspiciousness that we all are, as the dispeller of doubt and bridge to creation from that which is destroyed.

Today has been a gift from God

Today has been a gift from God. My mood is internal and quiet. I had a harmonium lesson at Bev's - and I am super excited about my progress learning about music theory and what's possible. I have some bhajans to practice playing! A really beauitful Amma bhajan from the early days that she taught me, a good Siva one and another oh oh a Sai Baba bhajan. Bev gave me a copy of an Immortal Bliss from 1987. Amma is so full of love compassion and vivid beauty. Wow. I am going to frame my new gift. We talked about the Srimad Bhagavatam and she shared some stories about Amma. I shared with her the story that Sivaya retold last night about sitting at the burning ghats in Benares and the explosions of smoldering body parts, geyers of bile and other body liquids and how burning bodies take on characters of their own with fingers pointing to the sky, limbs detaching and flying off in other directions. I cant wait to sit at the ghats and smell the burning, see my everything dissolve into nothing as the layers shed and I become nothing! Isn't that exciting, becoming nothing..I am fascinated with death and cycles of existence. we are always dieing, in every moment some part of us dies and regenerates.

On my way home I got a message from Bhavani saying that I was accepted into the Teacher training program and she knows I am going to add a lot to the group. She and I had a realyl wonderful interview last week. I could tell she was going to become a mentor to me. Part of the training program involves teaching yoga in the community places where yoga wouldn't necessarily be available. she teaches to prison inmates once a week or so. That got me so excited. I never saw myself as the yoga bunny in tight pants creating a following for herself in some too hip urban city :), but I have imagined teaching kids, or doing yoga/activities with older people, patients in a hospital, mentally disturbed people, soemthing like that. I thought I'd end up working in a mental institution or prison but never really pursued that. Maybe my passion for truth, science, people and clarity will manifest in offering myself in this way.
It's all very fun for me to imagine and create ripples of future in my body.

Then the meditation I did on Friday night was noteworthy too. I felt like a conduit of energy, substanceless, and sensitive to all the vibrations around me-the big sounds like cars driving by, and the almost imperceptible sounds like the distant breathing of a fellow meditator or the molecular or cellular vibrational sounds. I wondered when air became breath/prana- is it the mechanics of taking in and letting go that make it breath. does the person's expelled carbon dioxide become my oxygen?
Where does my breath begin and end, with this form. The breath is like a door, opening and closing, softly, gently. The peace that filled me was pure bliss and complete absorption and surrender. I could've gotten knocked over the head with a piece of wood and I dont think I would have felt it.

Shiva Shiva Shiva Shambo Mahadeva Shambo. Om Namah Sivaya, at your feet, I am yours, you live me and I breathe you..

Siva

the last month and even moreso the last two weeks have been some of the most painful in my life. It's hard to gauge and compare, especially because my late teens were no walk in the park, but the last six or so years of my life have largely been surmountable so I tend to look at things in blocks of time. Well last night or yesterday I started to feel things loosen up for me. I went to an interview at Integral Yoga Institute to do hte Teacher Training starting in a couple weeks and it was very sweet. I feel ready to take on such a big commitment.
It feels so right and so good to feel my inner self blossoming inside me. feeling all the energy swell in me but still stay contained in this form, as much as I am able to perceive that.
this morning on BART I did a meditation on the people. My eyes were fixed softly downward but my awareness was very much spread out all around me. What I noticed was all the movement around me--the fidgets, adjustments, all the things we do as self-conscious creatures. It was interesting and I guess amusing too. I never blinked. It reminded me of when I was a kid and would go underwater to see how long I could stay without coming up for air and I would do this thing that would feel like i was breathing, taking air in, allowing me to stay under longer. I don't know how long I stayed underwater but it seems like a couple minutes or so--that seems impossible. But I didn't blink on BART for what felt like at least two minutes. This is notable for me because I have a lot of problems with my eyes and they get dry and irritated pretty often, making it uncomfortable to hold my eyes open for long periods. but i am sure my "eye problem" is more psycholigical than physical, as are most of my "problems."

A question that has been on my mind lately is whether or not I should entirely leave my job here. John has invited me to stay many times and I keep saying no. and no it is not my life's deepest calling (or is it?)..but it takes care of me so well and provides a ton of stability. Aftet having a hellacious weekend (except for seeing my Dad and April which was super great!) I was really looking forward to getting to work. Yes its all made up, but havign a place that is my own, where i feel comfortable, safe, am valued, appreciated and I can contribute is pretty amazing. My boss told me I can "do spirituality here." I was surprised at his wisdom and that he said that to me. Of course Ican, but how does HE know that?! :) I love appreciating spirtual guides and teachers in the most unexpected places.
Also I might as well choose in line with how my karma is going to play out anyway..I think I have more karma in wealth and career than I do in wandering the planet and seeing where God takes me. that's what i'll ultimately do anyway. but i dont think i am ready to be a sannyasin. in fact it is presumtuous of me to imagine that's a possibility this life, but i dont know, i think these things and want God atthe highest practice. i can't make up my mind about htis one, and considering all the people waiting in line to take my job the choice may end up made for me.
i know it will alll work out as it is supposed to.

so i pray and i open and do sadhana. there is nothing like doing spiritual practices. all your worries and concerns will fade away in the face of meditation and prayer. I forget this, and it can be hard to practice when I would rather wallow in my junk..this last couple weeks I really went for it with self-pity and self-abuse in a mental/emotional way. I couldn't see a way out..i feel back on track with my spiritual practice. now if i only i can not get too attached to thinking i know anything or did something right. spiritual practice. spiritual practice. that is my answer and my path. nothing is purer and more real than Siva. Om Namah Sivaya